I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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