im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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