One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
