I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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