I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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