Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
