Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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