Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
