yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
how drunk are you?
Several
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
