so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
