Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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