last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
