the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
