Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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