I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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