I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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