I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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