3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
