you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
