I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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