Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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