i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
