I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
