I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
