omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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