I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
