I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Mom said you looked used
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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