You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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