the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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