Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
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One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize