i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
