I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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