Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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