I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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