the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
