Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize