i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
