You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
