i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
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He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
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I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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