I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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