Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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