My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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