well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
