Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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