Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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