Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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