I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
