she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
