dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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