Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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