i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
