I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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