We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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