If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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