He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
