i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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