as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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