i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
