Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
