I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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