I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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