seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
