You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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