woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
