I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
